Yesterday I decided that my main New Year's Resolution was a bad idea. The plan was to secure a paying job after a year spent as a social welfare sponger/recipient (delete as appropriate). This resolution has not lasted very long.
I have, yet again, had to turn down interviews for jobs when I realised that I just can't manage them and earn any money, thanks to the peculiarities of the social welfare system, and lack of support for children with special needs. I am coming to the conclusion that it actually suits the Government for me to stay at home providing cheap care for my kids, and they give me a carer's allowance so I don't spoil the jobless statistics.
But I would like to work because it:
Sets a good example for the kids
Keeps my contacts fresh and my skills up-to-date
Can be fun
Saves the Government some money
May help save the Irish economy through regular expenditure on childcare, new suits, bags, shoes, office presents, diesel and last minute groceries bought at twice the price from the local 'convenience' stores.
But if I stay at home I can:
Spend more time with the children and keep them at all their activities
Chase up services for CD and work on his behaviour
Be free of worry about how Smiley (non-verbal, complex needs) is being cared for while I am at work
Enjoy a higher discretionary income and more sleep
Less stress (except during the holidays!)
More time to see family and friends, exercise, eat properly, clean the house - that's not to say I actually do it - and time to work for free for voluntary groups, lobby groups - eg PACUB - and friends.
Also I did work and pay my taxes for 25 years, and I am saving the Government up to €200,000 a year by minding two children with special needs at home.
So what do I need to get me back to work? A family-friendly employer who will pay me a reasonable and regular salary, quality affordable childcare that caters for kids with special needs, and services for my son to be organised and co-ordinated by the Government Departments that are supposed to do it.
Is that too much to ask?
Well no! In 2008 I had most of that (CD had not then been diagnosed). I was well paid for the 25 hour week that I worked and, before it was taken over by a major service provider, Smiley's school offered a holiday activity programme, free afterschool childcare and respite when I needed it, and the therapists suggested and organised equipment and services for her (they still do this but are now hampered by bureaucracy).
So it can be done!
In theory it can be done, if all the variables behave themselves.
ReplyDeleteFor many parents, going out to work is as essential for their mental health as for their bank balance.
I couldn't make it work, and resigned from a job I loved (as a practice nurse) because I was being torn in about a thousand pieces trying to do all and be all.
But that was just my set of circumstances (3 kids at 3 different schools, husband doing shift work and the usual gamut of appointments, autism etc etc).
It's a very individual decision. I am happy that I made the right decision for me and my family, but unless i walk in your shoes I really couldn't advise you one way or the other.
The answer will come to you hun XXX
It appears to me that when you stay home the benefits for the family are much greater but I do see how you kind of are confused as to whether you should work away from home again. I have not worked away from home since Griffin was born but I am on disability, my bipolar disorder and PTSD keeps me from holding down a job due to being unable to be stable enough to do so. But even so, when I home schooled Griffin he was so much happier and had fewer meltdowns and I am actually considering it again. There is so much to be said for a mother's love and attention that cannot be substituted. But I am biased. Ultimately it is up to you and what your heart tells you. Make one of those pros and cons lists that usually helps me. Hugs!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it does benefit the government to keep you at home caring for CD and Smiley - much cheaper than professional carers - but then I'm sure you can do a better job than those 'professionals' as you know your kids needs better than anyone. So maybe its a win-win situation. CD and Smiley are happier, you are less stressed and you have time to devote to other things that you probably didn't before (and I don't mean the housework!!) Think outside the box - don't be so quick to jump back into the 9-5 rat race. A list of pros and cons is a good idea - you have many strengths and many ways to use them. Make a mindmap www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_map (hope that link works) I use them all the time to figure things out.
ReplyDeleteThis is a toughie. I have chosen to stop working, for now, as my children are so young (my baby is one today!!). My son has since been diagnosed with special needs so this will prolong my 'non-working' life. Eh, what did I just say? My non-working life outside the home because I work very hard at home! I believe there is an energy that helps us work things out. Things happen and we cope and then the right option comes our way. Thats not to say we don't go looking for the right option, we do, but it does come, given patience and time. It is not an easy decision you face, but the right job is out there for you and will come. Helen made a great point about jumping back into the rat race, but if you try it and it doesn't work then you have the choice to be at home again. Nothing is set in stone, you always have choices:) Jen.
ReplyDeletei hear ya, i would love to go back to work and am determined to do something with whats left of my younger years before i crack up, im gutted cause everything is againt me, and now im being cut all raound me by the goverment and making my ituatin even worse
ReplyDeletebut im thinking of starting my own business with a friend and im really excited and focussed so im praying it a success
i wish you luck with which ever you decide, they sure dont make it easy for us do they
I second everything that Jen just said. Very nicely put! One more thing to add though, in regards to setting a good example for your kids, you are doing that already. Just because you are not working outside of the home, does not mean that you are not working and teaching your kids valuable lessons. Think of what they learn from you on a regular basis, by taking care of them full time and chasing down the help and facilities they need, by working with groups like PACUB to support children's rights, by being there for them when they're small and need you most and by being able to look after your own needs as well so that you are better prepared to be the parent they need you to be. Our kids pick up more from us then we realize and not always in the ways we believe them to. Just because you are not going to a nine to five does not mean that you are not working hard and teaching them valuable lessons about, life, love and social responsibility. Good luck with your decision. x
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, I wasn't even thinking about the SAHM versus 'working' mothers debate, when I wrote this, cos I'm cool about that, whatever works. But I don't like being a 'single mother on social welfare' with all the connotations of that. Also I have always worked and people expect me to! I certainly think that both women and men should have choices about whether to work outside the home or not, even if that means the State has to help, because surely having happy and fulfilled parents will benefit children. It will also benefit society as a whole, if everyone is enabled to use their talents, whether those talents are for nurturing children or for running the country.
ReplyDeleteOops not trying to suggest that I'm looking for a job running the country! No thanks to that one.
ReplyDeleteHey Blue Sky...good debate!
ReplyDeleteI think you do yourself a disservice by saying you no longer want to sponge of the state! You know from before where I stand on this!!
Whether or not you work outside the home you are doing a valuable job and making a contribution. You are doing a very important job at the moment and so am I...being an SAHM. I am in awe of those who deal with what we do and work outside the home too. That takes a lot of strength and energy. And that's an important job too.
Whatever we do, we all need some self fulfillment which we can try to get through our hobbies and interests. If you can get payment for that then that's an added bonus!!
The Government can help too. There are too many anomalies that pull us one way or the other on this debate. It seems to me that the way wages are reducing it IS becoming more benficial to be on Social Welfare...if you're lucky enough to get it. But that's not good enough...people don't want that! But if you're at home with NO SW then you are penalised by Individualisation!
I have a difficult dilemma to resolve by next November when my career Break is over. I have a job waiting for me but may not be available (with current economic climate) for 12 months. I'm still needed at home...and I want to be there but not sure if we can afford the luxury of me staying home to mind my Special guy:(( That's wrong.
So, I hear ya! It is indeed a vicious circle! xx Jazzy
I would say that with the recent diagnosis of CD, you are in the right place as he needs you now. The right job will come to you at the right time. PACUB was great to keep our skills up and our minds working but unfortunately the pay was ridiculously bad (ie zero) for the hours we put in!
ReplyDeleteDon't rush it, you have your whole life ahead to work, enjoy your kids. What is with this line - "Also I have always worked and people expect me to!" who expects you to? Let me have a word with them! Anyone who knows you or who has gotten to know you through this blog realises you are a phenomenal woman, with a multitude on her plate including 2 special needs children. Not alone that you are raising 3 children under 18 all by yourself. That you still manage to get it all done and then some (PACUB + other voluntary work)with a smile on your face never will cease to amaze and inspire me. I already think you are Wonderwoman in disguise. Any employer who can't see you are worth your weight in platinum is too dumb to deserve you anyway x
Gorgeous photo as a header. You do what's right for you and yours, feck everyone else xxxx
ReplyDeleteThanks Jazzy for the support.
ReplyDeleteIrish Mammy I'm now going pink again: and you did unbelievable work with PACUB, and delivered a baby in the middle of it all!
Auntiegwen, thanks so much for the follow and the wise words! btw, photo is one I took of my fave beach in Co Wexford
Blue Sky, I think that your children are blessed to have such a thoughtful and compassionate mum!
ReplyDeleteI was visiting from Blog Gems and just had to comment again.
@Lora - thanks so much for commenting again :)
ReplyDeleteI think everyone must make their own decision but as a taxpayer I don't object to supporting people who do need to look after kids with special needs. I do object to people who can work but choose not to because they can't be bothered.
ReplyDeleteI'm here from Blog Gems :)
I know we have talked about this in person and I am still keeping my eyes peeled and my ears open. Jen
ReplyDeleteI think they call that being caught between a rock and a hard place! I hope things are looking up since February and you have found your nirvana. Thanks for joining the frugal Rewind x
ReplyDeleteCarers really have little choice sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have either found that magic job or are comfortable knowing that being a great SAHM is one of the best jobs ever.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I would love to do some work .. but due to my son's therapy schedule I need to work form home. I used to have a great job that made that possible but unfortuantely that is no longer possible.
ReplyDeleteMore needs to be done to support families with kids with special needs. Work is more than just earning money. It provides so much more to a family. I hope that your efforts have been successfully by now.
@Loz - I appreciate your honesty and thanks for commenting.
ReplyDelete@Jencull - and I really appreciate it x
@Multiple Mum - still looking :)
@ClaireyHewitt - thanks so much for commenting, and I agree, choice is the key thing here.
@Broni - yep, I'm looking at ways to earn from home as well x