"I'm not going :("
"I hate the beach!"
"I just want to stay here with my friends." (Uh they have visitors and you're going to have to leave anyway.)
With each exclamation his voice gets louder and higher, and he gets angrier and angrier.
I tell him we both need some fresh air and exercise, I plead, I threaten, I cajole, until finally he agrees to go to the beach for 1/2 hour. OK, so I've won but only on his terms. All the way down in the car he sulks in silence. But the second I stop the car, the door is opened and he's off.
Suddenly I have a different child. He shows me the 'best way' to run down sand dunes, and I show him mermaids' purses and razor shells. We walk down to the stream, and I demonstrate how to cross the stepping stones. We get wet and sandy and out of breath and laugh and talk and it was really great to spend time together.
But why did it have to be that hard? I rarely make the effort any more to suggest trips to the beach, or trips anywhere, cos you never know how bad the meltdown beforehand is going to be. Of all the issues associated with asperger's it's the anger that I find the hardest to deal with. And deal with it I must. The emails have gone out and the follow up phone calls will start this week. With a bit of help, we will banish Mr Angry together.
I'm glad it turned out well in the end and I hope the phone calls get you what you need. Great photo, lovely day for the beach:) Jen.
ReplyDeleteGreat pics, and I'm delighted all turned out well in the end (shows how important it is to stick toy our guns).
ReplyDeleteIt's hateful that sometimes ordinary things have to be such a battle, but you seem to have a master plan...hope your phone calls deliver the news you need XXX
This blog has come at a great time for me, my aspie daughter has such anger in her it frightens me and I worry about how we are going to deal with it, I practically do anything to avoid a meltdown because it is so difficult to deal with the aftermath. When you get some answers would you let me know :)
ReplyDeleteJen and Jean: Thanks once again for your lovely comments :D
ReplyDeleteAndra: I feel the same way and I'll certainly share anything I find out xx
I think you get those issues with children generally. I often suggest doing something , they all moan but then have a great time. Lovely picture.
ReplyDeleteMy nephew seem very angry at the moment, it's hard to know where to draw the line with a child with Aspergers...do you find that? xx
Chic Mama: I think the difference with kids with aspergers is that their anger can be much more intense. They don't seem to know when they have gone too far. I feel sad that children with aspergers struggle so much with anger as it is such a wasteful and unhelpful emotion (well usually, sometimes it make me feel better lol). Yes it's certainly difficult to know where to draw the line with kids with aspergers, but sometimes you have to! xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have a beach close enough to get to. It sounds like a good place for him to be.xxx
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ReplyDeleteLove the photo and by the way I hope you find a way to banish Mr. Angry as well maybe swop him for Mr. Best Way to run down a sand dune (I found that really sweet) x
ReplyDeleteWonderful picture :) Hopefully we can meet up on the beach next time you are down and he can teach me how to run down a sand dune properly. Thankfully my little aspie seems to have a very cheerful disposition for which I'm greatful for. Hopefully she stays that way! xx
ReplyDeleteOh do I know what you mean! But anger for me was a sign of progress - only 2 years ago my boy had meltdowns from fear and confusion. The world seemed to be a very scary place to him (of course it was, with all these sensory issues). Somehow I feel anger is a more constructive emotion. Not pleasant for parents, of course, and it was very embarrassing when he snapped at the woman who brushed him with her trolley in the supermarket!
ReplyDeleteTwo words to all of you: Social Stories.
ReplyDeleteMr Hammie is very much the same at the age of forty- ahem. It is about expectations, fluidity and the idea of filling in time without structure.
So for Boo- my supervisor makes little booklets with photos and "The Rules" The rules of going to the pool, The Rules of Going for a Forest Walk, The Rules of Getting up in the Morning and coming to school.
And if you sit and read the rules, talk about the preferred reward that will be given at the end of the activity - or withheld if the rules are not followed - you find that the outing is much more successful.
I have yet to implement this system with The Elder Hammie. But reading you blog and comments I have started to recognise the Red Zone (I know I know it took 22 years!!)
And I am going to pack a little overnight bag with a clean shirt, clean underwear and toiletries. And ask him nicely that when he goes into the redzone that he just get a cab to a motel and sit it out in front of the television.
Rather than debating that Black is white and everything bad in the world is because of me.
Because it really really hurts me for days afterwards. And yet he forgets it because he was just in the Aspie Red Zone and "fighting his corner" like it was a matter of life and death.
I just need to get him to agree to the overnight bag prior to the next red mist. It is worth the cost of the motel not to have that head wrecking experience, even in this recession. You cant buy sanity.
And I got here because of your experience.
xx
Irish Mammy: Yeah Mr best way is definitely an improvement - though there's still an element of telling Mum what to do!
ReplyDeletePetunia: You, me, Munchkin and CD running down sand dunes together maybe?
Truf: I see what you mean I think - anger better than fear, which is an emotion that you don't want for your child.
Lisa: Thank you so much for this revealing response :) I can relate to what you are saying about Mr Hammie, and a lot of things are now making sense to me. I haven't got as far as fully fledged social stories, but I am trying very hard to be very clear about all arrangements - watch this space for an update tomorrow!
Ah Blue Sky... Mr Angry lives in our house too!
ReplyDeleteSocial Stories definitely the way to go.
I remember this being a much bigger problem for us when WiiBoy was younger. It still happens but not to the same extent. I could never get him to leave the house to go to beach or to the green or anywhere "nice" that I know he loves. yet, when we'd get there, just like CD, he'd have a ball. Then, I could never get him to leave there to come home again! So I rarely brought him anywhere! It was eventually explained when he was being diagnosed...actually it was one of the things that helped them make the diagnosis. They don't like change. i was even told that when visiting not to do many things. we used to stay over with the in laws but we'd just park ourselves there and not bring him anywhere...it was just too hard. The psych made me feel good when she said that was exactly what we needed to do! Especially when we were getting grief from in laws.
Sometimes we instinctively do the right things.... and being clear about all arrangements (and saying things like "in 10 minutes were going to beach" and using a timer) is a very good place to start;-)
xx Jazzy
Sounds exactly the same as our house. The negotiation over a simple trip when he has it in his head he doesn't want to go are painful. The concessions always make you feel your giving in, but your not. Your enabling them in a clever way - just think of it as Autonomy - your getting them to do what you want by making them think that they've got their way
ReplyDeleteHe is so rigid and unable to get out of whatever zone he's in. We think PDA traits are a factor in his mixed up profile too.
@Jazzygal - yes I have found that using a timer and being clear helps too, but as you know he's doing even less now! xx
ReplyDelete@Bottle-in-front-of-me - It helps when you realise it's not just your family, doesn't it?
Love the photo!
ReplyDeleteI imagine being spontaneous then has to be very carefully planned!
a child's anger has no real wrath though it's an emotional and physical outburst that is hard to watch. we don't have a miss angry, we have a miss frustrated and jeewhizz she can scream... and minutes later it's gone...
ReplyDeleteyour son's anger must be hard to deal with - it will be meotionally and physically draining for you too - hope that you get the help and support that you are looking for x
@LittleMamma - it does now!
ReplyDelete@ever hopeful mummy - in the two years since I wrote this I have learned so much and I cope a lot better, unless he goes into full meltdown mode :( x