Monday, August 1, 2011

I want my son back

I don't know where he's gone.

That little boy who ran up to me arms outstretched, "huggies Mam." Demanding, smiling.  Now I get kicked.

I want my son back.

The child who was interested in every conversation, "tell me," he'd say, and he'd listen as you'd explain it.  Gaming is his main interest now and he just talks at me, sometimes.

The comedian who was expert in wordplay.  He found his voice at two and the words tumbled out as though a dam had burst.  Where have they gone?  Why the silence? 

I want my son back.

The three year old who walked everywhere - a little reluctantly!  Who pushed his sister around the supermarket when he could barely see over the top of the buggy and had all the old ladies swooning in the aisles.

Who posed for the camera and flashed his baby blue eyes and wide smile at the lens.  No more good photos now.  He hides.

I want my son back.

Aspergers has taken him.

Note: This just poured out of my head tonight.  I love my son but I'm finding it hard right now to be his parent.

40 comments:

  1. Well, Aspergers will have to damn well give him back then. It has no right to take hold like this so I hope you find your way through the maze to your son. He's still there, your grgeous son. And you WILL find him again. You will.

    Stay strong.

    ((xx)) Jazzy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Heartbreaking. How old is he now?

    ReplyDelete
  3. @jazzygal - I must just keep remembering that things are working out for you xx

    @lucewoman - he's 10, it can be a difficult age for kids with aspergers - and their parents.

    ReplyDelete
  4. His age is important - sounds like typical teen behavior. Sigh. Don't give up but be mindful to not treat him like a 6 year old either. We found we had to change in order to fully engage our teens. Still working on it. Does comparison to Angel at same or earlier age help?

    Stay strong!

    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  5. I totally get it! My own lad has gone from constant talking to having words dragged out of him and resenting my "probing" questions. I feel he has been taken also as he was quite funny and now has little sense of humour. Everyone tells me it's his teens but it's really his AS. Teens socialise he only does this through his online gaming or social networking. He has left the house only three times since the 22nd of June, this is not teens but AS. Thing is he claims to be happy once allowed to " just be"
    AS is hard to deal with and hard to explain, but it's hard for us mums to watch the transformation that takes place as they get older I think. X

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel your anguish. Being 10 years old and autistic is really tough for him and you. I know so many children who have struggled at about this age, including my son. Two years ago, my son hardly spoke, never left the house and just lay on the settee absorbed by Chuggington. He was gripped by his autism and I was desperate. Now he talks, goes out a bit more and makes me the occasional cup of tea. It takes time but I'm sure your boy will come back to you. Hang in there. xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hang in there hun. Aspergers sucks is all I can say! (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  8. @TherExtras - My relationship with Angel was actually at it's closest between the ages of 8 and 14, then we did hit a little rocky patch!

    @Popsie - Thank you for understanding and you're right, it is so hard to explain x

    @The Henrys - Thank you x

    @Deb - Thanks again for your support and giving me hope xx

    @lyndylou - It does a bit!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sure you'll get him back. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I know from the experiences my sister has with respite care that this age can be so difficult. Hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hang in there chick. He WILL come back to you. Those years when you think you've lost them are bloody awful and hard but AS or not, they all lose their path in those teenage years (kids with asd tend to hit that testosterone hump sooner). With boys there are studies that the brain "rewires" in those years and they turn into narsisstic self absorbed kids, lose some of their ability to communicate in anything other than grunts and as my eldest has no AS can testify that he went from being chatty and sociable to a semi mute neanderthol for what were the longest years ever! He did come back though and what emerged was a grown up version of my sweet boy. You know where we are when you need to cry, laugh or vent missus xxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. This left me with a lump in my throat, so eloquently written, I wish there was something I could say or do to help but alas I only know about AS because of you.

    From others here who have left replies who have been in your shoes it sounds like he will come through this period and come back to you, you just have to be strong (and I know you can do that)

    Hang on in there honey, big hugs xx

    ps - In the meantime, shin pads might help! :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's not easy. Aspergers sucks. Peter has some asd traits (tho he's prob more on the spectrum than we would care to admit) It isn't easy, but at 21 we are getting info from him.
    The difference with Peter is that he was always like this - it wasn't a change over time.
    Not much i can add, but hang in there

    ReplyDelete
  13. I realized later how much some parents of children with diagnoses hate when someone points out 'typical behavior'. My apologies to anyone who was offended. Now that I see he is 10 years old - seems to me that 'teen behavior' makes him developmentally advanced. ;)

    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  14. @SAHMlovingit - xx

    @Petunia - I don't know what I'd do without you and the rest of my FB friends xxx

    @Helen - thank you and the shin pads comments made me smile xx

    @Julie - yes, Asperger's does seem to be really hard to get your head around alright.

    @TherExtras - Well I hope no-one was offended because I always really appreciate your comments :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't know what to say, this is so sad. I too have tears in my eyes now, yet I cannot understand what you are going through. I have however taught a kid with sever Aspergers and Autism who displayed the social and communication difficulties you speak of so movingly in your post. I had just always naively assumed that kids such as these would be different at home. I'm keeping everything crossed that this is a phase that can be worked through.

    *hugs back to you*
    I think you need them more xXx

    ReplyDelete
  16. ((())) I hope things improve for you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  17. To therExtras - I hope you don't mind me saying but I wasn't offended either. I have two ASD children, a boy and a girl, and whilst they are autistic they also share similar issues to non autistic people.

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Beazoid - the hard part for me right now is that it seems that Asperger's can be progressive at least until the teenage years are past. He has changed so much.

    @KWombles - me too. I'm working on it.

    @Deb - Thanks for that.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks, Deb. I try to tread lightly on the emotions of parents. Such a tough job and I feel like I've experienced similar circumstances even with my non-diagnosed children. A while back a friend of ours consoled us (Hubby and I) while we were in the depths of anxiety over teen-behaviors. He said to us, "he will come back to you". Seriously, Blue Sky. Exact words of comfort given to us. The expected time of return is sometime in the early 20s. Now that may sound less-than-encouraging but then your son is on his own unique timeline, eh?

    Insofar as whether AS is 'progressive' - I fall on the side that does not use that word. Problematic behavior may escalate but that is not a sure sign of neuronal deterioration - which is what 'progressive' means. As with non-diagnosed children, new and problematic behavior can be a sign of neuronal maturation - that needs help or guidance in developing.

    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  20. @TherExtras - you are correct of course about my use of the word 'progressive'. I was being emotional rather than precise.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I hope he does come back to you - I have 2 on the spectrum and this post really got to me. I hope things do get better for you all sooner rather than later. Kirsty @ My Home Truths

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello, I hope too your son will get his colour back. I can totally relate to these changes, while they all break my heart my biggest sorrow comes from having no photos of my son and I together and being a photographer myself, it is difficult to leave him alone when it comes to my trigger happy finger!
    "No more good photos now."
    Sad. True.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  23. {{Big HUGS}}
    I hope that with help you can help him come back to you. I guess it is something that all parents with kids on the spectrum hope for.

    I totally understand the emotional rollcoaster you on on parenting a child on the spectrum ... and especially your heartache in relation to problems in communication. For me I think this is the hardest part.

    Thanks for sharing on Life on the Spectrum

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Kirsty - I hope so too.

    @Carly - I'm not a great photographer but I am a keen one xx

    @Broni - Thank you for the opportunity to share x

    ReplyDelete
  25. This is a really moving post and put a little lump in my throat. I don't really know alot about Asperger's but your post has motivated me to research it a little.
    lisa xx

    ReplyDelete
  26. @lisa - I have him back again....for now. But with aspergers, he could become difficult again at any time. Thanks so much for visiting and commenting xx

    ReplyDelete
  27. I wish I had found you sooner - my son is not as aspergic as yours, but after puberty ( he is now 16) he became far easier. He still has his Den, plays computer games and needs hauling out for walks and fresh air, his short-term memory is dire so he has no organisation, but he is so calm and good-natured now. He used to get frustrated with himself as much as anything. He has an older aspergic friend, and he too is now very calm. There is light at the end of the tunnel. One of my friend's sons is away at Uni, another at college, and both coping well, which gives me huge hope.

    ReplyDelete
  28. @janerowena - Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Now my son is going through a calmer patch, but I am dreading the teenage years. Then again, it gives me hope to hear that all has turned out well for your son :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. I, too, dreaded the teenage years - but don't, because you will be amazed. It is highly unlikely that your son will get involved with drugs or alcohol, stealing, or indeed many other teenage problems. You will have to continue to organise outings for him - I know he won't want to, but too much time spent on his own can make him depressed. Don'tt order his games online - make him go out to the shops with you just to get him out. Eventually you will be able to leave him alone in the shop with some money or a Game card or something - just tell him that you will be back in 30 minutes and stick to it. Don't give him anything he wants, at the time he wants it - get him to do things you need him to do and use everything he wants as a bribe. It gets easier.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I thought of you yesterday - we went out to get Son a new phone/personal organiser. We need him to remember to go to lessons that not all his friends go to, so all his lessons have to be preceded by a 'bleep'. We could have just got him an organiser, but the bribe to get him out was the new posh phone, and a new hard drive for his computer. I was able to leave him discussing what he wanted with the assistant in the vodaphone shop while I nipped to M&S for half an hour - brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  31. @janerowena - that's good to hear, I'm very glad it went well and you got in some shopping in peace :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. @floortime lite mama - A lot better thanks :). He's still very anxious, but he's less angry and more loving. Some of the difficulties were definitely due to the summer holidays though and so I don't know what I'm going to do this year.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Have you turned comments off on your latest post, I couldn't leave one?

    I want your boy back for you, you deserve to have happiness and your family fucntioning well together. I really hope the Hobbit is fab tonight and you can enjoy it together.

    Do what you need to do C, look after yourself. We will all still be here when you want to blurb and never worry that you are typing the same thing over and over, you are not. You have a great way with words and are a wonderful friend to many, we like to hear you talk.

    Be blessed, Mich x

    ReplyDelete
  34. Huge cyber hugs to you. I also couldn't leave a comment on your latest blog post! :(
    I love your blog and will miss your writing, however, I do understand that you need to take a break. Hang in there. xx

    ReplyDelete
  35. @Michelle Twin Mum - Thank you for your kind words and I will keep in touch x

    @Bright Side of Life - Yes sorry I left comments off on the latest blog post xx

    ReplyDelete