I know what it's like to be the mum of a happy, healthy, affectionate, interesting, fit, helpful 11 year old. I was that mum. I loved being that mum. That's why I had more children.
But now I am a miserable shouty mum, depressed, anxious, frightened, worried, helpless and sometime hopeless. I just don't know how to rear a child with Aspergers. The advice is conflicting, and very little of it works for long. We had a truce last week in the long long battle, and for a couple of days I was smiling and my son, well he seemed to be himself again: sincere, cooperative, making plans for the future, talking about topics other than video games.
It all ended on Saturday night and I am not proud of my reaction. I did not stay calm as my hope were dashed once again.
Then last night we watched a programme on Irish television about ADHD. Some people do not even believe in this syndrome. We saw the anger and the violence and so much of it looked so familiar. We saw the out of control teenager being arrested and I shivered. Is that my sons future? Perhaps watching it might make him stop and think. I really hope it does. He is so bright, he has so much potential, but it seems that everything I do is wrong.
Everything I try fails in the face of his need for total control. He would rather have that than any reward it seems. The only sanction that works is taking all his consoles away, and I can't do that 20 times a day. And if I do take them away I have to make sure that there is someone available to mind Smiley and see to her needs while I deal with the fallout from the punishment.
Can I stop things getting worse? Not without help, and guess what?
He's back on the waiting list....