Stop, breathe, go again. It wasn't a long run.
I came home and grabbed everything I could...
...Two nurofen for my exploding head
...Chamomile tea to wash it all down.
After that I felt a bit better.
Yes I know that taking everything at once is NOT really recommended, and I promise not to do it again.
I was diagnosed with anxiety before Christmas. But that was just on one day. It's reactive. Something happens. I panic. I have plenty of good days. Like the day I got my new bag...
It seems to be an epidemic among middle aged women (according to a GP friend) and special needs parents (according to other friends). I wasn't expecting it to happen to me. Me? The girl who jumped out of an aeroplane? Ran the London Marathon?
Ten years ago I celebrated my 40th birthday by learning to drive rally cars. Now I have to remind myself not to drive too slowly.
These days I check every door, window and socket before bedtime, where once I slept for a year in a downstairs bedroom with a broken catch on the window. Could've been handy if I forgot my keys!
I have become a worried woman with a worried frown. A woman over 50. Who is different.
I take pleasure in my new bathroom blind. How clean and neat it looks! How smoothly it goes up and down!
I thought I would shoot myself if I ever got that like. But now I have, I somehow find that I don't want to...
But I DO want to do something about my anxiety levels.
No I'm not on daily medication, nor do I go to counselling. I can't face either.
So how to calm myself?
Looking back it was always there, lurking in the shadows. Some of the things I tried as a teenager to calm down were not a good idea then, and would be unthinkable now. Those things I did as a young adult are more difficult now - my knees complain when I run, the beach is mostly out of reach and so are the hills. Baking helps, which I why I love this book so much and, like author Marian Keyes, I bake even when there is no one to eat the results.
There's wine of course, but that has to be rationed.
What do you do?