I hate bank holidays. I really do. Especially sunny ones. They just emphasise how different life is in this family now. Towards the end of the afternoon we did get out briefly, after much negotiation, but not before I'd got frustrated and upset and even angry. Obviously being the responsible adult, I was trying very hard not to show or even feel it. But when I found myself crying into my lunch, I knew I had to do something. A healthy choice was needed!
Breaking plates always feels like a good plan, and once upon a time my Dad offered to send over a supply of spares just in case. But I guess it wouldn't set a very good example to my children. Something else was needed, because I need to deal with anger too. There I've said it. Even though I hate anger, I still feel it. Sometimes it's useful, when it's about injustice and motivates people to act. But mostly it's not. Mostly it's exhausting and depressing.
My son and I talk about anger a lot. He says that none of the suggestions from the therapists really help. When he's angry he wants to do something with it, not calm down. I get that, I really do. If you'd suggested a wee bit of meditation at lunch time, you would have heard me decline politely, but I would have been thinking something else entirely!
Perhaps the emphasis on calming down is sometimes about pleasing other people and helping them to feel safe and comfortable. Not always about helping the person who is angry. At home my son has found that isolating himself with his video games, and sometimes being mute for a while helps him to cope too.
Music is one thing that works for me. Loud music. I can channel my feelings into the songs, until my head feels clearer.
So instead of smashing plates I put on the Smashing Pumpkins...
And so the list goes on...
Sinead O'Connor with Troy cos it gives me goose bumps
Rural Alberta Advantage - just because...
No list of mine is ever complete without the B52s...
Heathers - Forget Me Knots - because it's okay not to feel okay..
And coming out the other side ..
Metric - Gimme Sympathy
And finally, The Pogues
Best of all, Smiley will dance along to all of these, as she knows them so well. And once they're done, I can face the day again. Because my son has had a great weekend, and I need to try and share some of that happiness with him.
This post was partly inspired by the wonderful Miss Cisco over at The Ramblings of a Formerly Rock'n'Roll Mum.
Also apologies if you read my 30 Day Song Challenge from a while back, as some of the songs are the same.