Saturday, February 22, 2014

Beyond Tired

What shall I do today..

Do you ever wake up thinking that?

For me, it's been a very long time, maybe ten years.  I'm thinking of a weekend away in Cambridge with friends from the UK.  I cried on the way back to the airport.  Somehow I knew that it was not going to happen again.

The breaks in Wexford have stopped too, and with them that heady sense of freedom from real life as I headed south towards sun and sea, even with three kids in tow.  At home you can never escape the 'to do' list.  The cobwebs, the repairs, the therapy, the letters, the phone calls, the emails, the pressure that never ends.

Mid term has been fairly quiet, you would be shocked at how little we've done.  I've slept for almost 8 hours some nights.  Yet I feel exhausted.  Visiting a friend with the kids, I found it almost impossible to peel myself off her armchair, but I couldn't relax into it either!

I'm looking forward to school starting again next week, but the pressure won't go away.  It will just be different.  Instead of catering to the needs of my kids I will be:

Fighting the flab, finishing the plans for the wet room, removing the cobwebs, tidying the garden, sorting out the finances, attending appointments with the kids, cooking , cleaning, caring and plenty more things that are so far back in my diary that I've almost forgotten about them.

My tiredness is like my shadow, it's always there now, it waxes and wanes, but never goes away entirely.  I try to pace myself, I take an hour off here, 5 minutes there, but it doesn't make much difference

And yes, I'm going to meet a couple of friends for coffee this week, but my shadow will still be there, reminding me of what I could be doing, what I should be doing next.

That's why it's been mostly fun stuff on the blog, it's a place I can escape.  Proper writing again soon, I promise.  It's on my 'to do' list after all...

Still.  I can't get rid of my shadow, and I'm in a place called Beyond Tired.  I doubt I'll be leaving any time soon.


17 comments:

  1. The tiredness is pervasive, and you describe it very well as an ever-present shadow. I wonder sometimes if we keep running at light speed so we don't have to stop and think. I know I exhaust myself doing jobs that really don't need doing, but my therapist did mention that I need to address my "issues" with perfectionism (which I think was her nicely saying I'm a control freak). We have very little control in our own lives so we desperately try to manage the bits we can. Lots of love to you. Save me a barstool in Beyond Tired XXX

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  2. Hope things improve for you soon!That bone tiredness is so deeply ingrained, it takes some effort to dislodge it, which of course is near impossible when youre so wrecked.I find any bit of fresh air helps me.And lots of chats with good mates. Mind yourself x

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  3. I never wake up wondering what to do, just what to do first!! It's no wonder you are tired, you are a fabulous, over-worked and under-paid carer. Wish I could win you a holiday to come and visit us!! :) x

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    1. What to do first is exactly right!

      PS I would love to visit you and your lovely girls x

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  4. Beautifully put Candi... it feels like its in every cell of our being be times...would love a magic broom to chase the shadow away

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    1. If you ever find that broom, please let me know xx

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  5. I am not trying to minimize the realness of how tired you are or how demanding everything is-
    I am going to throw this one out there- maybe your depression meds need to be adjusted. Tweaked a bit. maybe the bone-crushing fatigue will lift a little more

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    1. That's a good point, that I hadn't thought of, thank you

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  6. I have been in beyond tired the past few weeks, even 8 hours of glorious sleep does not help! I am wading through the days, I have been putting it down to the weather combined with my energetic threesome of tiny humans. Lets hope the sunshine comes soon and chases our shadows away.

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  7. And sometimes it's just like a heavy blanket and drags you down.
    You so need a break , they really do help. Once you're in the house, or returning very soon to the house, you do the jobs that need doing. I really hope you get a real break in the very near future.... kids included!

    xx Jazzy

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  8. I have to admit, I have been tired as well. The whole treadmill of things. Even shouted at the cat for scratching at the bed room door!!!! My go has upped my night time anti depressants (mainly because she thinks my lack of sleep is menopause related). And both cats are banished to the kitchen, thus meaning I get a bit more sleep!!!

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    1. A good night's sleep does make a difference doesn't it x

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  9. I am feeling a bit better today: Smiley is in Respite tonight and the boy is back in school :)

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