What shall I do today..
Do you ever wake up thinking that?
For me, it's been a very long time, maybe ten years. I'm thinking of a weekend away in Cambridge with friends from the UK. I cried on the way back to the airport. Somehow I knew that it was not going to happen again.
The breaks in Wexford have stopped too, and with them that heady sense of freedom from real life as I headed south towards sun and sea, even with three kids in tow. At home you can never escape the 'to do' list. The cobwebs, the repairs, the therapy, the letters, the phone calls, the emails, the pressure that never ends.
Mid term has been fairly quiet, you would be shocked at how little we've done. I've slept for almost 8 hours some nights. Yet I feel exhausted. Visiting a friend with the kids, I found it almost impossible to peel myself off her armchair, but I couldn't relax into it either!
I'm looking forward to school starting again next week, but the pressure won't go away. It will just be different. Instead of catering to the needs of my kids I will be:
Fighting the flab, finishing the plans for the wet room, removing the cobwebs, tidying the garden, sorting out the finances, attending appointments with the kids, cooking , cleaning, caring and plenty more things that are so far back in my diary that I've almost forgotten about them.
My tiredness is like my shadow, it's always there now, it waxes and wanes, but never goes away entirely. I try to pace myself, I take an hour off here, 5 minutes there, but it doesn't make much difference
And yes, I'm going to meet a couple of friends for coffee this week, but my shadow will still be there, reminding me of what I could be doing, what I should be doing next.
That's why it's been mostly fun stuff on the blog, it's a place I can escape. Proper writing again soon, I promise. It's on my 'to do' list after all...
Still. I can't get rid of my shadow, and I'm in a place called Beyond Tired. I doubt I'll be leaving any time soon.