Living like a mole

Things are not going well again.  You see I got a health fright last week.  My cholesterol is off the scale, despite my efforts to calm down, exercise, eat more healthily and swallow those enormous plant sterol tablets.

I decided I'd better add a few more things to my 'give up' list.  After all, it's my duty to my kids to be here and healthy for them.

Unfortunately, this happened at the same time as I finished watching my favourite TV show of all time.  One that I've waited 30 years to see again.  Cue lots of tears.  Pathetic, I know, but it gave me something to look forward to in the evenings when I am on "waiting for the kids to go to sleep" duty.  I'm struggling to find a replacement, even with a free month's trial of Netflix.  And I can't seem to read at the moment either!  Getting out of bed is also becoming a struggle, yet I'm tired all the time.  Since midterm, school refusal is again becoming a problem, with all the disruption and stress caused to both him and me.

I'm trying very hard to find reasons to be cheerful and celebrating all the positive things here and on Facebook, but it's like there's nothing to look forward to, just another five years - at least - of living like a mole, while life goes on outside my front door.  I'm just not a home bird like my children.  More like a caged bird, trapped behind the bars of my children's needs.

I often think that my son could not have been born to a worse Mum - for him, I mean.  Apart from computers and chocolate, we have nothing in common except our genes.  I used to have plenty of male friends, more than most, cos I liked the same things they did: fast cars, adventure movies, competitive running, watching rugby matches, indie music, hot curries, science fiction, and more.

Then there's the guilt.  Oh the guilt.  For not being happy enough for my son and his progress, for not being grateful for everything that I have, for not appreciating how lucky I am.  

But somehow I have to get through, so I think I will give up giving up for now.  Perhaps it's better to feel better, and look after my kids right now, and let the future take care of itself.

So I'm going back on the statins and off to buy a large bar of chocolate, and a few other things...for medicinal purposes you understand.  Even moles need treats.


22 comments:

  1. Being a carer is so isolating, whether you are working inside or outside of the home. Few people truly understand how restricted you feel. I really hope your health improves too. Like you, I have been feeling more than a little deflated and very unwell. But, I am now back on a health kick and hoping to drag myself out of how I feel. Always here if you need a chat. x

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  2. Oh...sorry things are dark at the moment..How funny on the t.v. show..we have a television station that shows old programs (from when I was a kid) and I have been enjoying my favorite show of all time (when I was 10) in the evening to relax before they go off to bed! Please stop beating up on yourself..you are a wonderful Mom-and a lovely and very appreciative person..You are allowed to feel dissatisfied at times...allowed to feel bored..depressed-overwhelmed..No one is ever 100 percent-one hundred percent of the time..if they say that they are..well, they are either faking OR on very good drugs. :0 Hang in there..I'm around if you want to chat..we could discuss our favorite old t.v. shows! AND eat lots and lots of chocolate. :) xx

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    1. That sounds like a plan! Pity we can only do it virtually :) xx

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  3. Of course you're a wonderful mother...but you're also a person in your own right. The only thing you really need in common is love (even when you don't like each other very much). It's frightening how something as innocuous a a tv show can be the only thing keeping you from going to bed and never getting up. For me it's reading (so I worry about how I'll cope if my sight ever fails). I think we can have very high expectations of ourselves as mothers and we will never achieve the ridiculously high bar we set. It's OK to be less than perfect. And hurray for statins! Now you can eat chocolate and let the drugs deal with the cholesterol XXX

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    1. All you need is love, as the Beatles said, and I know you're right really xxx

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  4. Of course you're a wonderful mother...but you're also a person in your own right. The only thing you really need in common is love (even when you don't like each other very much). It's frightening how something as innocuous a a tv show can be the only thing keeping you from going to bed and never getting up. For me it's reading (so I worry about how I'll cope if my sight ever fails). I think we can have very high expectations of ourselves as mothers and we will never achieve the ridiculously high bar we set. It's OK to be less than perfect. And hurray for statins! Now you can eat chocolate and let the drugs deal with the cholesterol XXX

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  5. hugs sweety... we were all there at one point of our lives...

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  6. hugs sweety... we were all there at one point of our lives...

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  7. Susan (Eastendmom)March 5, 2014 at 5:31 PM

    There's not much I can add to all of the wise comments above, except to add that I've been there too, and sometimes it's just sooooo hard to be positive and find reasons to be cheerful. This, too will pass. When spring finally shows it's face and the sun and flowers are out, that is a real mood lifter. Let's hope this winter finally says goodbye sooner rather than later. I think statins are a miracle - for those who have hereditary high cholesterol, diet & exercise usually don't cut it - you need the meds, too. Take them & have a choc bar for me :-)

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    1. Thank you, and you're right, they could be hereditary, because my incredibly fit and healthy gymnast daughter has raised cholesterol at 21!

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  8. Oh I get it. No major advise, just hugs & sympathy.

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  9. Just 'be' for a while. There are times we just have to get through and come out the other side. Lots of love xxx

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  10. Hang in there. Thinking of you and sending a big hug. xx

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    1. Am feeling better now I've reintroduced the treats :) x

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  11. About the cholesterol: I went to the doctor's a number of years ago and was sent for a cholesterol test. The result was that my levels were raised and the doctor prescribed a statin (simvastatin), as well as a diet that cut out nice foods. I contacted a friend who is also a doctor, and he told me I should have had a fasting sample when I took my blood test for cholesterol (and I had that done only because I needed a routine test for thyroid levels). He told me that my GP was probably trying to meet a target and that once I took the statins, I couldn't stop taking them. I didn't, and years later, another (senior) GP told me I'd done the right thing. I was 30 when I saw that first doctor. I'm not going to go on medication when I'm perfectly healthy.

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    1. That's very interesting, I'd never thought about targets before. I have had high cholesterol for years and obviously at my age it is more of a worry. I took statins before for a few months to get the level down and then tried to control it in other ways. I'm hoping to do the same thing this time. I'd not heard that you have to stay on statins for life, and I don't intend to do that.

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  12. Also, having been reading your blog for the last couple of years or so, I don't think you're anything like the "worst Mum" for him. Remember that some mothers have the support of a husband, no disabled daughter, and yet leave their "difficult" child in a boarding school despite knowing that they're being hurt. You can't really expect him to relate to you the way your male friends from your youth did; it's a different time and place, and he is different because of his age and his condition. Does he even have many male friends himself? I didn't have any to speak of at his age (and not many now). I related best to women, because I'd spent most of my time around them and they made the best effort to understand me.

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    1. Your supportive comments are really appreciated Matthew. Yes he does have a few friends, and they are all similar to him, and that seems to help him feel comfortable around them

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