Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

That sounds very dramatic doesn't it?  I haven't actually been diagnosed with PTSD or anything else, well apart from being emotionally cold, selfish and self-centred, but that wasn't by anyone professional.

I am afraid of being judged.  But I need to write about something that happened recently.


I could not handle the behaviour of another adult.  That does not make me a bad person, it means that I am the product of what has happened to me in my life so far.  I am trying not to be a victim of those events, but sometimes certain behaviours trigger a response in me.  Especially if I am already very stressed - Smiley was sick.  This time my reaction was blind fear, and I could not control it.  I even resorted to pulling my own hair out in handfuls to try and calm myself down.  It didn't work.

To the adult concerned: I am very sorry that I could not give you the help that you seemed to want.  You need a different confidant, not me.  And apologies to Angel, who was woken up, and has not said a word of criticism since.

One day I hope to write about the events that caused this stupid reaction in me, but only when I've worked out a way to protect the identities of the other people who were involved.  You see it's a story of hope, we've all come out the other side, even if we do bear some scars.

For now I'm practicing my blank mind technique, not altogether successfully, and avoiding most social contact.

The phones are on silent, the Xanax prescription has been refilled, and I'm back in counselling.  Wish me luck!


10 comments:

  1. Aaah, life is a funny old thing, as are people. As much as it is great to help others, it is more important to put yourself and family first. Especially when life is throwing up all sorts of challenges. Thinking of you and sending stacks of luck, counselling (and drugs) is a must for all us mum's at one stage or another.

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    1. I'm learning both those lessons, pretty fast :) x

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  2. So sorry this happened. It will pass and life will go on for all involved. I hope Smiley is feeling better and I'm sending you lots of love. xxx

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    1. She's sick again, unfortunately, that's why I'm so behind again with thanking everyone for comments etc!

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  3. I hope you're okay, C and I hope that Smiley is better. I hope that the prescriptions and the counselling bring you some peace and resolution x x x

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    1. I am starting to feel better now, thank you so much for checking in xxx

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  4. Sometimes for your own sanity you just have to close down.
    Keep breathing and I hope you are all ok

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    1. Despite other problems this week, I think we are x

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