This feeling has crept up on me. Perhaps I overthink things now, perhaps it's middle aged anxiety, but I'm definitely developing a fear of visiting my GP. Do you want to know why?
Afraid of the cost
Here in Ireland it costs around €60 to go to the GP.
Afraid of the wait
The good thing about the Irish system is that you can get an appointment on the day you ring. The bad thing is that you usually have to wait. I hate waiting, and start to worry about all the other things I could be doing. And there's more.
Afraid of being a time-waster
There's always something bothering me: a lump or a new mark, or a pain or an odd sensation. Mostly I keep my fingers and toes crossed and wait a month or two and then they go away. Sometimes they bother me so much that I do mention them to the GP, but they generally turn out to be just another ailment.
So I go less and less, I don't want to waste my time, or his.
Afraid of not being taken seriously
See above. If only I knew when there was a real problem before I went to the GP. Of course that's where it is imperative to keep away from Google, which always says there's something seriously wrong.
Generally my rules for going to the GP are:
1. It gets worse.
2. It doesn't go away.
Afraid of something being found
Sometimes my symptoms need further investigation, but luckily for me, nothing very serious has ever been found. But one day it will be and I am not prepared.
Because I'm afraid of the treatment. Afraid of hospitals, thanks to the Government and cutbacks. Afraid of how I'd manage - is it possible to care for two children with special needs and deal with the side effects of chemotherapy for example?
Because if anything happens to me, what will happen to my children? Oddly enough I am more worried about my son now, after reading that the best gift you can give your special needs child is to help them be sociable: Smiley charms everyone she meets, so while she could hardly be more vulnerable, perhaps my job with her is done.
Afraid of not being given anything
Because there are days when I just feel that I cannot cope. Like yesterday, when I was anticipating three months of summer holiday hell stretched out ahead of me. It was as though a black cloud was sitting over my house while everyone else soaked up the sunshine. Today the grey skies sit low over Dublin; I hope they lift for all of us soon.
Sometimes when you leave the surgery without a prescription you feel relieved that there is nothing wrong. Sometimes you feel worse: because of the waste of time and money, and nothing to make you feel better.
Still, I may have to make the trip some time soon....