It's a new thing for me.
I'm faking it as a parent. Okay, so in a way I'm done it before. Pretended I was a real Mum after Angel was born, when I hadn't a clue. Trying to be a special needs parent after Smiley was born and floundering. Then thinking I was an autism parent, and doing it all wrong.
I'm trying to change things now. I'm trying to fake it as the autism parent that I want to be. I'm not feeling it you see. But I'm stuck. I've no choice. Scrub that, of course I have choices, but most of them don't look very positive. I'd be worried about the outcomes for all of us.
The problem is that faking it does not sit well with me. I've always tried to be honest with my children - with a few exceptions, such as Santa. I answered their questions as truthfully as I could, giving them age appropriate answers, and as much - or as little - information as I thought they needed. Even when feelings and opinions were involved ... If they asked me whether I liked something, I might say "no". But I'd also tell them that it was okay for us to like different things. I'd always assumed that was healthy.
Yet I've heard parents give completely false reasons and explanations for things to their children. I would wonder why, and how they remembered all the untruths that they told. But perhaps they were wiser than I realised at the time.
It seems that sometimes children don't want the truth. They want to hear what they want to hear, and nothing else will do. If you give the right answer it can provide reassurance and boost their security and self confidence. Well so long as you don't get found out anyway. It all sounds good from their side, but will it work from mine? My biggest fear is that faking it will fake closeness but eventually create distance in my head.
So faking it is hard, especially for someone who hates to lie in word or deed. But perhaps its the only way. If I keep going through the motions perhaps I'll eventually believe what I'm doing and what I'm saying. Then it will be the truth, a good truth, and I won't be faking it any more. Fake it till you make it, isn't that what they say?
Note: I wrote this in the middle of the night, but it still makes sense this morning, so I've pressed publish.