Faking it

It's a new thing for me.

I'm faking it as a parent.  Okay, so in a way I'm done it before.  Pretended I was a real Mum after Angel was born, when I hadn't a clue.  Trying to be a special needs parent after Smiley was born and floundering.  Then thinking I was an autism parent, and doing it all wrong.

I'm trying to change things now.  I'm trying to fake it as the autism parent that I want to be.  I'm not feeling it you see. But I'm stuck.  I've no choice.  Scrub that, of course I have choices, but most of them don't look very positive.  I'd be worried about the outcomes for all of us.

The problem is that faking it does not sit well with me.  I've always tried to be honest with my children - with a few exceptions, such as Santa.  I answered their questions as truthfully as I could, giving them age appropriate answers, and as much - or as little - information as I thought they needed. Even when feelings and opinions were involved ... If they asked me whether I liked something, I might say "no".  But I'd also tell them that it was okay for us to like different things.  I'd always assumed that was healthy.

Yet I've heard parents give completely false reasons and explanations for things to their children.  I would wonder why, and how they remembered all the untruths that they told.  But perhaps they were wiser than I realised at the time.

It seems that sometimes children don't want the truth.  They want to hear what they want to hear, and nothing else will do.  If you give the right answer it can provide reassurance and boost their security and self confidence.  Well so long as you don't get found out anyway.  It all sounds good from their side, but will it work from mine?  My biggest fear is that faking it will fake closeness but eventually create distance in my head.

So faking it is hard, especially for someone who hates to lie in word or deed.  But perhaps its the only way.  If I keep going through the motions perhaps I'll eventually believe what I'm doing and what I'm saying.  Then it will be the truth, a good truth, and I won't be faking it any more.  Fake it till you make it, isn't that what they say?



Note: I wrote this in the middle of the night, but it still makes sense this morning, so I've pressed publish.


13 comments:

  1. Candi, you are no fake. There is a clear connection between emotions and physiology. What you feel affects the way you stand and look. The way you stand and look affects your emotions. One piece of advice to people feeling down is to walk down the road and count chimneys - it often helps because they have lifted their physiology which in turn has lifted their emotions. I do believe the same is true for 'faking it until you make it'.
    Many people feel fake at what they do - whether it's as a parent or as the CEO of a company. With telling kids the truth - some can take it, some can't. Start in small ways - what is the smallest lie you've told that you can confess? How do they take it? Does the sky fall in? Take a step back, look at the evidence. You made it long ago. You have three very special children. You are managing on your own. You are supporting many others with your blogging and campaigning. You are no fake. xx

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    1. Thanks for your comment Brigid, as always it's really appreciated : as I said on Facebook, the picture I made was probably a bit misleading: I blog in such a hurry now that I don't always think of the ways that people might take things!

      I am trying to change my preferred style of parenting to suit the children that I have, and that is difficult, that's what I'm faking. But I didn't want to go into specifics because I'm now trying to avoid that xx

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  2. I don't think you are the one faking it, you're keeping it real and doing the best you can. I also tell my children the truth but age appropriately because I feel our life is crazy and different enough with adding untruths on top of it all that I will then have to explain later when they figure it out. I think age appropriate truth helps my children cope with the reality of life but we keep some magic in there with Christmas, Easter and the tooth fairy because everyone needs imagination and magic in their life :) In life we are all doing the best we can do and believe me, when the front door is closed those who you think have it all together are struggling just as much as the rest of us. You are doing a wonderful job and so far you have a 100% success rate of surviving all your parenting challenges.

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    1. Thanks so much for your lovely comment! What I'm trying to say with this post is that I now do and say things that I don't necessary believe right now, but I hope that if I keep repeating them, then I will believe them eventually xx

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  3. You know, at the end of the day, it is best to stick to the style of parenting that comes naturally to you. Although, it is helpful to get some gentle guidance to perhaps learn how to make life easier for all involved. I know that my parenting has slowly changed over the years, I have become more patient and accepting and these days do tend to go with the flow. I also now walk slowly which drives my family CRAZY! :-)

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  4. I get this. I feel I need to start faking it to be the mummy who sets limits, imposes schedules, doesn't give in. Atm I feel DD is running rings around me and I'm losing all pretense of being the one in charge. The problem is that all that efficiency isn't me - I'm far too laid back to be a good parent.

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    1. No way: and being a bit laid back is surely a lot better than the authoritarian approach xx

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  5. I've always gone down the honesty route with my kids too. Perhaps because i realise now just how much my parents kept from me and didn't tell the truth in their attempts at being good parents - but even at the time, i felt i needed to know the truth and i could tell they weren't always telling me the truth. So hard to know what to do to protect our kids and yet be honest with them too. x

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  6. You do what's right for you and your family, and the individuals within your family. I get stumped and fake it too, sometimes I even fake it with professionals ;) Or try to, but I am a hopeless liar!!
    I admire your 'blogging in a hurry' skills. My version would be completely disjointed and hard to read! xx

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  7. I totally relate to this but at the end of the day if I can say to myself I am trying my best and telling them that I love them each day then that has to be good enough :-)

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