|That was then :)|
It's not like that now.
I do still want to have fun.
But it's much more complicated.
Apart from a few trips to the cinema, I haven't been out since the Christmas party in December.
So I was thrilled to be included on a invitation list for an upcoming celebration. I love my friends, I'd love to see them, yet as the event gets nearer, I'm so tempted to find an excuse and just stay at home with a couple of glasses of wine and another episode of Orphan Black.
I'd love to go out looking slim and fashionable and groomed, feeling confident, sociable and entertaining, with no curfew imposed by children who won't go to bed until I arrive home, and stories to tell that don't involve special needs and a crumbling home. I'd love to believe that I will say the right things. That I will be amusing, empathetic, interested in everyone, able to remember everything that has happened in their lives recently, the names of all their children and other significant people, but I'm afraid that I will just stand there awkwardly, clutching my glass of sparkling water and almost wishing for an emergency call to come home.
But if I stay home and stop trying to go out, it will be like giving up. Accepting that the life that I anticipated is well and truly over. I'm not ready to do that yet either.
And you know what? Even though I don't feel like going out, I'm going to make myself do it. And I'll have a great time too...
Anyone else feel like this?