Sunday, July 27, 2014

When I don't sleep

It's 3am and I listen to Smiley chatting on the baby monitor.  Eventually I drag myself out of bed and go down to see if she needs something.  I change her position, her nappy, offer a drink and put on some music, go back to bed.  Hope she nods off.

She doesn't, and I ask myself if I should give her something to help her sleep, because if the don't the day will be ruined for her too.

Worry about whether Angel's attempt to dip dye her hair at home will work.  I guess I'll know in the morning.

Wonder how I will get through tomorrow if I don't get back to sleep.  Who will I shout at, which activity will get cancelled.  Who will be eating toast for dinner (clue: probably me).

Beat myself up for torturing myself by reading yet another thread on Facebook where saintly parents of autistic children write about the struggles of their children and how they never ever feel sorry for themselves.  Another page to 'unlike', I think!

Groggily remember writing about lack of sleep before and hope I'm saying something different this time.

What will I forget to do, how many more bruises will I gather as I blearily crash into things, will I manage all Smiley's care without leaving out something important or doing things in the wrong order.  Which means you often have to start over.

I worry about my ailments and resist the temptation to google them and vow to make another GP appointment this week instead.  Perhaps I am sick, perhaps a little stay in hospital would do me good.   No cooking or cleaning or childcare, just the chance to rest with other people taking care of you.  They might even give me sleeping tablets!  Don't know if it would be much fun without the internet though...do hospitals even have broadband these days?

Start to think of all those health gurus who say that drinking wine affects your sleep.  Yeah it does.  It means I don't!

Treat myself to a Xanax.  It might stop my mind racing.

Then a Horlicks.  Sit and drink it in my slippers.  Feel like a cliché.

Try to work out if there is such a thing as a silent chore.  I did straighten my hair once in the middle of the night... Perhaps I could draft a few letters?  But probably tear them up when I look at them with fresh eyes.  In a few days.

Waste time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.  Apparently it's getting bright.  Peer out through the dusty windows.  Oh dear, they're right.  And Smiley is still awake.  Welcome to another day in special needs land...



What do you do when you don't sleep?


26 comments:

  1. Thankfully I don't have that problem, and the kids sleep as well. But I thought I was the only one wanting to spend a bit of time in the hospital, because at least I'd be on my own, I could rest, and someone would look after me...Hope your day goes well, even with the lack of sleep :-)

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    1. The day actually did go very well indeed :)

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  2. Hope today is ok - if you might be sick, do go to a doctor! Not sure about the broadband...

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    1. I have to bring one of my kids to the GP, so that will make me go...

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  3. This was so well written. An honest moment by moment account of a long night. Our demons always find us in the night time hours, and life can feel very oppressive. I hope the blue sky returns for you today, and you get a bit of rest.

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    1. I didn't rest, but I actually had a lovely day - sometimes our kids seem to sense when Mammy needs a break :)

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  4. Sorry to hear of your night. I had a bad night too. Kids kicked off at 12, usual stuff but it left ds2 sobbing on the bathroom floor and dh1 completely hyped up and self-righteous in his being right. Held ds2's hand til he fell asleep.I couldn't sleep then and like you, I worried and wondered how it would affect our plans for the day. ds1 just up now (11.30) and ds2 still in bed- that never happens. So I had 2 hours to do my usual stuff without any head wrecking confrontations.It might be a good day after all.... Hope yours is. x

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    1. So sorry that you couldn't sleep too, but hope the day turned out okay. I ended up exhausted on the Monday! x

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  5. Hope today is better than expected x. You're not the only one that fantasises about a short stay in hospital ( with the obvious caveate that it be for something totally minor !!) I still remember being on my knees with tiredness and crying to my sister that there should be respite for parents...somewhere you could check in and be minded for a few days. Thinking of you today xx

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    1. Respite for parents -- I think we should start a campaign x

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  6. Aw, honey, I can relate. I especially liked your comment about the saintly parents on FB. Man, oh man, I get tired of that. Sometimes this life sucks. Laugh at it when you can and nap when you can. Hugs.

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    1. Yep, we definitely need more laughter around here, though, as you know, there's plenty of smiles at least!

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  7. I wish I lived nearer so I could help in some way. Lack of sleep is the worst, it is torture & the trouble is once you wake properly at that time there is no hope of getting back to sleep. Sounds as though you need to see the doctor too, so please go. Sorry I don't pop here very often, it's not that I'm not thinking of you though. Big hugs to you xxx

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    1. I don't pop over to yours as often as I should either, but I do think of you, and am always hoping that things have improved for you and your gorgeous children xxx

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  8. I do much the same as you by the sounds of it. I find the most frustrating thing is knowing that Smiler is fine, no bleeds or anything that I need to monitor, but still not being able to switch off my brain. Then I get annoyed at myself for not being able to sleep, and I know I'm going to be seeing the sun come up, just as you did. Hope you had a better night last night.
    Take care
    Lucas

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    1. Yes, I've caught up a bit since - but when you have a child with special needs you sleep like a new Mum: one ear is always on alert, so the only time I get a proper night's sleep is when she is in respite xx

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  9. That sounds like an awful night. Facebook is lame. I bet those saintly parents aren't being as honest as they could be. And surely hospitals have wifi these days? Although I went into Dublin City on the weekend and couldn't find any public wifi. I had rage. But then it passed.

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    1. I bet those parents are just playing to the gallery as they say, but it's still annoying :)

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  10. Oh, I could write a whole book on this subject! Wine sometimes help....and sometimes it doesn't. Hope you get some much needed catch-up sleep :-) xx

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    1. Maybe you should... luckily I only have a bad night occasionally, but there's so many like you that struggle with insomnia all the time xx

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  11. That sounds really painful and I do commiserate, lack of sleep is hell. I have taken Nytol recently and it gave me a few restful hours and relaxed my muscles. Also just tried rescue remedy nighttime - better than Nytol!
    Wish there was something I could do for you...
    X

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    1. Rescue remedy at night sounds like an excellent idea, I will try that, thank you! xx

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  12. oh...so sorry for the lack of sleep...have spent many many nights in the same predicament...I hope that your next night was better...I usually just get up and make coffee...start my new day by continuing my old day...

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    1. I love coffee, but not sure about the idea of running my days together!

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  13. I am way behind reading your posts! Hope Smiley is not waking up so early anymore! Nick also wakes very early.

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    1. It's when I'm up early with Smiley that I catch your early posts about Nick too xx

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