Later this week I'm getting laser surgery done on my eyes. And I'm not afraid. Once the idea of it terrified me, but these days it seems that nothing is as difficult or worrying as being an autism mum. I'm even looking forward to the six hours sleep afterwards, with someone else minding my children.
I've realised that nothing will ever scare me again as much as my daily failure to make life better for my son.
I don't think I'm a bad mum, because my girls have turned out pretty well: and there were challenges along the way with both of them. But I feel like the worst parent in the world, because I seem to be completely unable to help him to become a well-adjusted, happy, fulfilled and independent adult.
Apart from RDI, all of the advice, strategies and interventions have failed or made things worse here. And we can't progress any further with RDI as I would need to video our sessions and my son objects to that idea, understandable as he is a teenager!
But I have to keep trying, spurred on by the words of one member of his team...
"Do you really want him to be sitting in a darkened room playing video games and eating pizza in 20 years time?"
For me the answer will always be "no", and that image haunts my waking hours and sometimes my dreams too. So I keep looking and looking for answers. So many people will tell you that they have a solution, but none of them have worked so far, and in recent months things have gone into reverse. I would love some help from the adult autistic community, but they seem more concerned with parent blaming than parent helping.
Where to now? I do not know. All I know is that I have to be brave and keep going. That is the superpower that autism has given to me. Yet I would hand every ounce of bravery over to my son. It might make all the difference. If only I could.
Reasons to be Cheerful: Family Fun #R2BC - Late to the party again this week! Hope Michelle can forgive me... It has been a rollercoaster week but I have had a few things that have made me smile: ...