Losing the plot (Part 2)

I knew that this summer would be challenging, but I expected to be able to manage things. Life is not like that though, is it?

I was prepared, plans had been made, set up with consultation, but many of them are falling apart around me.

I dumped some of my worries in the virtual lap of a couple of friends, which was very wrong, especially as they have enough serious problems in their lives already. I hope they will forgive me. I even took drastic action to prevent myself from being tempted to do that again.

People are being very sympathetic about the problems that they recognise: like Angel going abroad for a job interview, and I haven't even mentioned the ones she's done on Skype. I'd say that she will be clocking up the airmails before this year is over. In a good way too, as I'm sure that she will be home to visit us.  I'm not afraid of losing her: the close bond we had from the moment I saw her little shock of black hair only wavered for a few months during the teenage years, and now it is as strong as ever. I will cope.

Being Smiley's Mum is rewarding, but also tiring and time consuming and relentless as she can do very little for herself without support, and she wants lots of entertainment and the State demands that I spend vast amounts of time filling in forms in order to get her the additional support that she needs. And right now I'm in the middle of a major campaign to get good adult services for her and for other school leavers. Perhaps it's more stressful than I realise.

Perhaps it was always going to take just one more thing to tip me over the edge this summer.

Sadly that thing seems to be autism.

Before you condemn me, can I just say that I know it's not my son's fault that he has autism. I know that most of the time he cannot help the way he behaves. I know that if he had been correctly diagnosed at a younger age, then his life might be so much better now. I know that other autism parents have to handle and overcome much more challenging behaviour every day.

But what I have to handle can be too much for me.

On bad days that makes me feel like a substandard parent and a failed human being.

On really bad days I lose the plot completely.

I am begging for additional help, but the wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly. And when I do find help, it often gets pushed away again. I'm taking my medication, I'm eating healthily, running a couple of times a week and doing some exercise every day, I usually get a reasonable amount of sleep and I take time for myself. I've even got some good news that I will share on reasons to be cheerful tomorrow. But sometimes it's not enough. This week was one of those weeks.

Do you really want to know what happens? Apparently you do.

So far this week I...


  • Ran away again (mentally checking that my eldest was in the house first).



  • Stabbed myself in the hand.



  • Hit myself repeatedly.



  • Had my first ever real panic attack when I couldn't breathe.


All this to calm myself down so I can keep going. Because isn't that all I have to do?

But surely it's not just me...





34 comments:

  1. Sadly none of this will be news to my son as he witnessed most of it: I'm not proud of that at all, but in the moment I just lost the plot

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry for your stress and pain, Blue Sky. No judgement from me, I totally get where you are coming from. Wish I could do something to help. xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry you are going through all this, I wish I could be of help. Sending you hugs x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh honey as someone who has less to cope with and struggles at that I send massive love xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hugs... if ypu need someone to talk to... ypu know where I am.

    ReplyDelete
  6. For what it's worth I think you are doing a fantastic job mothering all your children. I often think of you and how tiring life mustbe for you. I know that's no help. Am here if you need to offload online.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If by writing it means that I am raising awareness of how many special needs families live, then that is always a good thing: thinking of me, means you're also thinking of them too xx

      Delete
  7. Susan (Eastendmom)July 8, 2015 at 6:08 PM

    I can only offer hugs and support as well. I have a son with Asperger's as well, and had many less than stellar moments as he was growing up. He saw me at my worst, including times I totally lost it and screamed at him for things he really couldn't control. We are none of us saints and can only take so much, and considering all that you have on your plate you must give yourself a break and move on. Your son will ultimately be OK, as my son (who is nearly 21) has turned out to be. I do hope that the extra help you are asking for is provided as soon as possible. In the meantime, no judgement here - feel free to unload your stresses onto your readers. We are a sympathetic bunch. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Susan, it's always good to know that it's not just you and that things have a way of turning out okay xx

      Delete
  8. I'm so sorry you are struggling so much *big hugs* I wish I could help in some way, I hope burocracy speeds up soon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would make such a difference in so many situations, wouldn't it *sigh*

      Delete
  9. I just wanted to quickly say thank you all so much and I will respond individually to all comments when I have a bit of time and there WILL be some really good reasons to be cheerful tomorrow to balance this out.

    It's funny how writing and publishing posts like this help me to feel better, but they do!

    ReplyDelete
  10. therapy- venting- it's all good.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I find it daunting enough facing a future as a single mum - without the additional pressure of special needs. Sending you love and strength xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Donna, and wishing you all the very best in your new life xxx

      Delete
  12. No words, just love love love as ever xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  13. There are so many times I know I've handled J's autism in the worst way but we are all only human. So sorry to hear you are going through this. Thinking of you. When I'm having a difficult day I often think of you as my inspiration with everything you have on your plate and you are amazing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rebecca: it feels very strange when people say that because there are so many parents who inspire me, who seems to have an incredible ability to stay calm and loving in all situations. I would love to be like that for my son x

      Delete
  14. Ohh I'm so sorry C, it is not fair that things are so hard for you and I always feel as if nothing I say will ever help you. I have such admiration for you fighting for better services and being a wonderful Mum. We all lose the plot sometimes. Mich x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose we do, perhaps more people should admit to it? x

      Delete
  15. I can only send you my love. I have so much respect for you and lsoing the plot every so often does not diminish my respect one iota. You and your kids deserve so much more help.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don't know what to say expect I'm listening and I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. You are amazingly strong most of the time but no one can be like that 24/7. You are a good mum. You really are. x x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that you always do say the right things Suzanne xx

      Delete
  17. I thought I had already commented on this, but I must have read it without commenting. You do know it's ok to lose it sometimes, don't you? If your children didn't have additional needs, you wouldn't be so concerned about it. I have had shouting, crying, running away moments, it happens. Do I feel bad? Oh yes, definitely.
    Should it happen? I don't know the answer, I just know it does. I also know, I will always be there to listen, if you need me xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh how I fervently wish I could turn the wheels of bureaucracy for you.
    Such a very stressful time for you. The campaign is most likely adding to it as you say, but what else can you do?
    You turn to your friends, virtual or real, is what you do. Sometimes it;s helping those who have their own challenges to know that the are not alone too?
    And sometimes losing the plot, as upsetting as that might be, is exactly what you need to do. So that you can get going, however sluggishly again?
    You are only human....and you are an AMAZING parent. xx

    PS I kn ow I'm not online much these days but you can message or phone me ANYTIME ;-)

    ReplyDelete