Depression Is

Hating your life and feeling guilty because you know how lucky you are.

Wanting to talk, but not wanting to bring any of your friends down to your level.

Hiding away at home, even though you know that company lifts your spirits.

Dragging yourself through the days and then feeling worse because you have achieved so little.

Thinking you're a pathetic ungrateful person who doesn't deserve nice things or a good life.

Wishing that your GP could give you something - anything - that would stop you from thinking and feeling.

Wondering why antidepressants are not pro-happiness instead.

Being unable to make even the smallest decision.

Craving daylight, sunshine and fresh air, while your feet seem to be stuck to the patch of floor by the kitchen sink.

Being terrified of the future and unable to enjoy the present.

Sadness because your children have no real interest in Halloween.

Guilt at complaining because you don't have 'real' depression.

Eating too much chocolate and wishing you could drink too much wine. But you don't because you know it will only make you feel worse. And feeling worse because you know you can't.

Feeling fat and old. And then eating too much and not exercising.

Doubting your parenting strategy, and wondering are you making everything worse.

Feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Trying to find something to treasure each day. And reasons to be cheerful every week.

Moments of joy when your non-verbal daughter smiles at you.

Pride and delight when your elder daughter excitedly recounts all the highlights of her working day.

Relief when your autistic son has a good day.

Release when you get the time to write it all out on your blog.

That's what depression is for me.

But it will pass. It might take a few hours, or it might last a few months. Whatever way it goes, I know it's not forever.

If you're feeling down please talk to someone, even though it sometimes feels like the hardest thing of all. Irish contact numbers of organisations that can help:

Samaritans - 116 123

Console - 1800 247 247

Note: There were some good days over the mid-term break, but then there was a setback last night, and this wrote itself today. Perhaps someone can relate xx






20 comments:

  1. This , this exactly
    I wait for the panic and nothingness to pass it can be hours

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    1. And sometimes you have no choice but to keep going x

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  2. So many of these rang true, it's good to know that I'm not the only who often feels like this. You just managed to put them into words x

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    1. I'm very glad if publishing this has helped you x

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  3. It's not easy, I know. It is hard to be all cheerful and upbeat when you going through a low moment. I think you have done the right thing, sharing your thoughts. It is important to acknowledge what you (we) are feeling..... it helps us to work through the process and come out the other side. Thinking of you. xx

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    1. I find working through it on here really helps xx

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  4. I can relate. I call it being in a funk when I get it - because it's not depression like I've seen it in others when it gets really serious. It is a milder depression but depression nonetheless as there is little you can do about it except ride it through. Feel beeter soon. Lots of love. xxxxx

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  5. You are so right. Depression is all these things. But you are spot on when you know it passes. Hang in there. Talk about it. Remember it passes. X

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  6. I really hope it helped somewhat to get it on your blog. It must be so difficult but you really are dealing with a lot and, I hate to think you blame yourself for any of it.

    I'm thinking it's not 'real' depression....just like I used to say that it's not 'real' autism or 'real' asthma I deal with. It's real. Just varying degrees is all. It's right to seek help. And that's what friends are for ;)

    I'm here any time..... xx

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  7. Yeah, I can relate. You just have to keep going, and then one day you realise you're smiling a bit more, and there's a bit more of a spring in your step and you can't quite put your finger on why... Hope it passes for you soon.

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  8. You're right, this is how it feels to me too. I hope it passes soon lovely x

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  9. I'm glad writing it down helped - you put it so succinctly, I've no doubt you've helped everyone who read this xx

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  10. much love and many thoughts
    I could identify with several of the feelings 2 weeks ago as I was in a real funk after some bad news

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