Let's get one thing straight first. I'm not blaming autism. I blame myself, my inability to cope, to get things completely right, my history, my situation, the menopause, the stress of bringing Smiley to a public pool for the first time in a year (with the help of some fabulous friends) and the general indifference of a world that seem unwilling or unable to make the accommodations that adults and children like my son badly need.
It was late on Thursday night. Another busy day lay ahead, another early start. I'd made it clear that I needed to sleep as soon as possible - I could barely keep my eyes open. But just as I was about to finish up, I was told that there would be a delay, of unknown length. The cause? Some of those reasons above and more. My son needed me.
I did not react well. The tiredness makes it all a bit blurry, but I do remember that the sense of injustice and frustration was too much to bear.
These days I try so hard to watch every word that I say, every expression on my face, I bottle up all the negative emotions, and I try to do it all on a few hours broken sleep.
I lost it, but even then, I've trained myself so well, that most of the stuff I said was okay, I just raised my voice, but I couldn't control how I felt. I left the room and ran. My subconscious was working overtime too. I did not run out of the house as I have done in the past (Angel was away). I went to the kitchen and gave in to the urge to release all the pressure that was building up inside me. Don't worry, no alcohol was involved, nothing got broken, and I was unobserved. But I ended up back where I was in July.
My actions calmed me down, but I spent the next 24 hours in a state of deep depression. Why can I not cope when others can? How do they do it?
Luckily Smiley slept until 7.55 on Saturday morning. I awoke and the tension and the headache was mostly gone. I looked out the window: it wasn't dark, the sun was actually shining, and I thought to myself "today is going to be a much better day".
And mostly, it was.
Reasons to be Cheerful - Happy Mothering Sunday #R2BC - Lucky me, the girls made me breakfast in bed Happy Thursday friends, How are you doing? I'm having a funny old week. there is nothing particularity wrong...