The trouble with pills

Today is #BlueMonday, another marketing invention apparently, but maybe not such a bad idea if it gets people talking about their mental health. It's supposed to be the most depressing day of the year, but I'm not feeling it. The grey skies and problems at home are not bringing me down. I'm just dealing with them.

I'm doing better, you see, helped by meeting up with Jazzygal this morning for a sneaky coffee.

And the pills the GP gave me.

The anxiety and depression are mostly gone, there is less anger and resentment. I am docile, calm and task focused, the perfect carebot, almost the Stepford Wife that I wanted to be.

But they are not the perfect solution: I feel a bit remote from everything. Emotion, passion and creativity seem to be ebbing away. I'm just going through the motions.

I never wanted to be that cliche: the middle aged woman on pills for her nerves. I've always wanted to be the strong one, the reliable one, the one in control of her life. Look where that got me!
I do take some comfort in the schmaltzy memes like this one though...


Perhaps I was too hard, too strong, and eventually I couldn't bend, so I crumbled instead. And that had to be dealt with, too many people depend on me. I had to do whatever it took to get back on track. And this time that meant pills.

But the trouble with pills is they reduce the drive to write, to create, the need to offload all that stuff that normally clogs up my head. Because now it isn't really there.


18 comments:

  1. Sorry things are tough, I don't have anywhere near the same to deal with as you but other 'stuff' has taken it's toll the last year. I find myself asking myself, why now? So your quote above resonates with me. I haven't gone down the pill route, yet, but sometimes wish there was one magic one you could take and then feel okay, if only. I really hope they help you and as I am being constantly told do what you can do to get through each day and don't fret about what you're not doing especially as you are doing and dealing with a lot lot more than most people. Sorry a bit garbled but I hope you understand...I really wish we lived nearer, I think about you a lot xx

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    1. I do understand, and I agree about doing what you can to get through each day and be proud of what you did too. I'm sorry that the other stuff in your life made things tough last year, hopefully things will turn a corner on that front for you in 2016. I wish I lived nearer to you too xx

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  2. Re wanting to be in control of your life. No one is in control of thier life. If you get lucky, no one gets sick or has special needs, no one is bullying or manipulating you, and you have a roof over yout head, then it's pretty easy to control the other stuff. what other stuff is there - shopping and the daily routine. Anyone can kid themselves that they are in control of their lives until some crisis happens to them and then they are not. You have been awesome so far and you will be again. xxx

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    1. I know you're right, but it feels good to have the illusion of control at least :) xxx

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  3. It was so lovely to meet up with you yesterday. I know you've gotten very good at it - you've had to - but it was great to see you looking well. There's no denying how these pills make YOU feel (my mother used to say the same). I would be hopeful that for you this is just a temporary measure, especially if the stress causes are external and out of your control? Anyhow, that is my wish for you. That these pills will get you through and allow you become strong again ((xx))

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    1. That's it - the stress is external, it's not neurological and for that I am thankful! xx

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  4. Sorry to hear things have been so tough, I am pleased that you are on the right track to get your life back in order. great post xx

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    1. Thanks Wendy, and sending lots of positive vibes your way too xx

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  5. So glad you got to have a coffee with Val. Be kind to yourself C, you have had so much on your shoulders for years and now you have something to help you carry that burden and at the moment it is helping in some ways but not in others, it is early days. See how it goes. Mich x

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  6. You gotta do what you gotta do. Embrace the pills, you won't need them forever. (Speaking from experience). Sending a cyber hug. xx

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  7. That quote is true. Piling on the academic work almost did me in, old sport.

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  8. It sounds to me as though you're doing the sensible thing and listening to your body and the doctor. Don't be ashamed, sometimes we have to accept that we cannot do it any more. You are still a strong person. That won't ever change. And the words will come back too. Thinking of you. x

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  9. Ah, the pills, I remember them - yes a bit too dulling but necessary for survival. And just 'cause you're on them doesn't mean you're not strong. x

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    1. Glad that you don't need them now, that's always encouraging to know x

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