The drive to write has mostly gone. As I predicted.

The pills have done their job though. Feelings have been mostly squashed, so I've been a lot calmer, more productive and handled people and situations like a proper grown up. At least some of the time. There is now a brake on the urge to spill and I've realised that time sorts out most issues. Of course that can mean years, and I suspect it will in the case of the biggest worry in this family.

February saw lots of autism ups (at home) and a few downs (elsewhere).

February saw me getting praise again for looking after Smiley. With the alternative being what exactly?

I still see it as a joy and a privilege. Sure I get very tired and overwhelmed at times and I do need support with her care, because she needs attention and help at all times, preferably from a team of people! The more, the better. in her opinion. But she doesn't try to control me or dump on me, or assume I'm always available, she just asks - in her own way. And her beautiful smiley thank yous are more genuine, and more rewarding than almost anything else in my life right now. And that's enough for me.

February also saw something new: a monthly 'to do' list, inspired by reading about Bullet Journals. They sounds lovely, but too time consuming for me. The new list did help though. It meant I knew that everything not done in January was brought forward and, as the days passed and I ticked items off the list, it helped with those ever present feelings of overwhelm and brought back a sense of control. Yeah I know it's an illusion, but still!

And it's taken me a stupid amount of time to write this very short post, maybe in March that will change. I hope so.


  1. Isn't it awful that the pills can take away the artistic urge? I'm glad you are benefiting in other ways though. Take care lovely. X

  2. I think that it is great that you are feeling a bit more...even keeled? Yes.. time healing/sorting out things CAN take a what feels like eons..But as long as it is happening...It is awful to feel overwhelmed all the time-I am so very happy that you were able to rein it in-that's a hard one!..I'm glad that you were able to post this...:)

  3. February is the Monday morning of the year. March holds the promise of spring. Nothing much changes but at least it's not dark out so much and it's not so cold. Wishing you a good March. xxx

  4. Woohoo March, bring it on! Feeling more able to be on top of life is way more important than writing, don't you think? xx

  5. Are we having our midlife crisis at the same time x

  6. For completely different reasons I understand the loss of writing drive and feeling overwhelmed. To-do-lists and time are most definitely our common friends! I've been doing daily lists (most days!) since January and I love them. I do hope they and time (and the pills too) will give you the space to be yourself again. And I very much concur that teenage expectations and demands can be very gruelling..... and the smiley thank yous practically non-existent!

    Thinking of you ((xxxx))